7 – How do you spark your relationship?

If you’ve been in a relationship for a while … I have a question for you ..

do you remember exactly how the beginning of your relationship was? .. the first days, weeks, months of dating your girlfriend..  or your boyfriend..

You remember that spark? .. You remember that chemistry? ..

Now fast forward .. now at least 6 – 9 months passed ..

And you guys are looking at each other, probably on a Sunday afternoon, on the coach and wondering how you guys ended up in this stagnant routine of what you call .. relationship ..

So what happened to that fire .. ? is it gone? Are you guys done?

Before you throw the towel.. let’s explore some unique ways to get you out of this slump ..  and then, you decide what to do..

Ok .. now .. you know these things happen.. ask your friends.. everybody knows .. relationships cool down..

But why? Why do they get old, and so stagnant?

My friend, the reason is “we box” ..

Yes.. we judge our partners.. and we put them in a box..

initially.. in the beginning.. in that sweet exploration phase of a relationship .. everything looks great .. we look for ways to connect.. like .. “oh, we like the same ice cream”.. “oh, we have the same TV set” .. “oh, I can’t believe we both love Paris” ..

and we think we’re in love, and we met our soulmate..

So we jump right in .. little later.. again, maybe 6 to 9 months .. things start to get settled down.. and both sides start to feel comfortable with each other –  the usual protective guards go down .. the masks start to wear off..

Right around that time we begin to observe our partners and try to answer a totally different question now .. you remember.. in the beginning it was, “oh my god, you see how well we’re connected?” but now the question becomes ..  “is she right for me?”

Once we ask that question, the answers never leave us alone .. “oh yes, she’s late to all of our meetings” .. or ..  “oh, she didn’t call me right away, when I told her I had something important to share.”..or ..  “oh, she’s always on her phone whenever we do something together”

As our judgements keep piling up, we start to put our partners in a tiny, little box..

What do we do with that box?

Of course, we keep stuffing more judgments into the box, and the box keeps getting bigger and bigger..

But the real question that I’d like to explore is ..

How these judgments make the energy in the relationship go stagnant..

Here’s a big discovery  .. Cause we keep our judgements to ourselves..

So imagine now .. two people .. both of them..

yes, it’s not just you.. but your partner as well .. keep building these walls of judgements and labels of each other.. and no one wants to communicate anything .. everybody keeps everything to themselves..

For what? .. to avoid the conflict ..

But, hello.. the relationship has slowed down, going down the drain, it’s stagnant.. it’s not moving..

and you’re trying to avoid a conflict..????

You see – how you get yourself trapped in this vicious cycle..

Here it goes..

you label your partner, don’t tell her, keep withdrawing yourself, then, she realizes that you’re distant, then, she pulls away, and now, you judge her even more ..

No one talks! The energy gets contracted .. the relationship gets stagnant.. and you two are just looking at each other wondering — who’s gonna take the trash out ..

Don’t be discouraged though.. you’re not alone .. most of us go through this experience, and we’re going to explore some profound methods to ignite the relationship again .. and bring it back to its early days..

But, here’s the tricky part ..

Our judgements are our defense mechanisms.. so usually, they’re offensive  – (best defense is offense, as human psyche knows it very well..)

So if you tell your partner any of your judgements of her, she’ll be offended .. rightfully so .. cause she won’t see it that way .. and she doesn’t need to agree with your perceptions …

That’s when everything becomes stalemate .. so in order to break through this deadlock, we need to open up .. and share our “feelings” .. yes, our “feelings” ..

For example, your partner doesn’t text you enough .. or share her thoughts as much .. or doesn’t show interest in what you do ..

Even though you feel frustrated, or ignored, or disrespected .. you choose not to say anything ..

I can see that.. if you opened yourself up .. and be vulnerable.. your partner may say .. “oh, you’re so judgmental”.. or “oh, you’re so sensitive”.. or even “I’m done with you”

Yes, there is a possibility of being accused or blamed or even dumped .. however, in truth, we all have feelings.. she does, he does, you do, I do .. and we’re entitled to have them..

And without openness, everyone takes each other for granted ..

As a result, we keep running into same routines, same patterns, and things get old .. the box with judgments grow bigger, and the air gets tighter..

When that happens.. we immediately go to our ultimate defense mechanism.. which is “escape”.. so  the question becomes  .. “shall I stay, or shall I go?”

You know how the story goes on from here.. close to 60% divorce rate, more couples unhappy, yet, everyone is afraid of opening up, communicating their true feelings.. we keep breaking up .. we keep escaping ..

So what if you opened up to your partner, courageously communicated your feelings to them, and tried to add some fresh air to your relationship ..

Would you like to give your partner a chance to respond.. would you let her explain what’s going on in her life, in her head, in her heart .. can you hold space for her thoughts and feelings ..  and can you guys talk things through and, tell her your feelings, share what you think of her .. and also how much you appreciate who she is ..

You know .. Nobody has one side that is bad.. or one side that is good .. when you’re only seeing the bad side, you’re blind to the good ..

maybe, and who knows, maybe you can rekindle your connection as you both reveal your vulnerabilities, and tenderly find out that you even share some common judgements and feelings for each other ..

But the only way you can find that out is to open up .. and be vulnerable to your partner by sharing your true feelings ..

As you realize this requires an energy shift .. for that I’m going to give you a quick practice to ground and neutralize your energy .. and from that space, you can take your first step to ignite your stagnant relationship so that you can bring it up to another level ..

Now .. take a deep breath in .. and let that tension roll off your body .. find your feet.. and ground yourself by feeling the floor underneath your feet .. take another deep breath in, and as you exhale, keep your focus on the bottoms of your feet ..

Try to apply this technique to neutralize your energy when you’re communicating your feelings to your partner .. and see how everything flows from there .. try to be open and truthfull.. and keep your focus on the bottoms of your feet .. at all times..

Good luck my friend .. and please let me know how it goes ..

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